When the World Comes Crashing Down
Have you ever had one of those moments, or days, or weeks where all you can see is your failings? Where all you see is what you do wrong, and what you hate about yourself, and how insecure you are, and how boring your life is, and all you can see is how far you haven't moved with the Lord? I have. And I am, right now, having on of those moments when you can't seem to find God, or see what He's been doing, or see the point to anything; and you feel letdown, and disappointed, and angry, and tired. Oh, so tired. Mentally, physically, spiritually.
But especially spiritually. Because you've struggled, and pushed, and tried, and trusted, and cried. Because you're tired of trying to grow a relationship with the Lord, and you feel like it's going now where, or it's never started, or worse: it's never been there.
And then you blame the Lord; and get angry at Him, and feel hurt because of him, and feel let down because of Him. But maybe the problem is with us.
Maybe the problem is with us trying. With us actually holding on to the idea that we can grow a relationship on our own. That we can grow to love the Lord by ourselves. With us thinking we even have to do anything. And so even when we think we are letting the Lord work, we are really shutting Him out, by trying to do everything by ourselves. So when our world comes crashing down because we just can't, we blame the Lord, saying He failed us, He let us down, He didn't keep His word. When in reality, we never gave Him a chance.
We don't have to be the 'perfect Christian'; and always have our lives in control, or have daily devotions that speak to us and mean something, or always love going to church, we just have to be us. We just have to let ourselves be where we are; doubtful, or hurt, or angry, or sad, or discouraged, and let Him take that state we are in; so He can make it into something beautiful.
Because He's already taken care of everything else for us, and we just need to let Him take care of us. It's hard, to just not do anything, and to not try, and let Him work. It seems impossible. We still have this feeling like I need to be doing something to help the Lord along, but we don't. We just have to be me, in every way, shape, and form; we just have to be open, and let Him know what we're feeling, and He'll do the rest.
Thank you so much for sharing about the tough time you're going through and I'm praying for you (like, right here and now -- I just stopped and did between reading your post and typing).
ReplyDeleteI don't know if it'll help right at the moment, but one quote that's come to mind for me during some of my own personal ups and downs is from Lewis: "After the first few steps in the Christian life we realize that everything which really needs to be done in our souls can be done only by God." I don't know if that'll give comfort or encouragement right at the moment (though, of course, I hope it does), but it's been a weapon in my own personal store, helping give some perspective at various times -- perspective especially looking back and also realizing that I'm not alone/the only one ever facing such difficulties -- rather it's how God normally works, bringing us to utter dependence on Himself. And it can take a while sometimes, wrestling and seeking His face, but (as you also highlighted) He holds us through all of it. :)
with love in Christ,
~Heidi
Thanks so much for your prayers! I think it helped to write about it...
DeleteThat is such a good quotes! And surprisingly, one of Lewis' that I haven't heard.... Thanks so much for sharing it! It's always so encouraging knowing that everyone goes through hard, vulnerable times.... So thanks for sharing to!
Thanks for the comment Heidi!
AMEN, SISTER.
ReplyDeleteAbby, this is beautiful. And I can so relate. It seems, often, like I'm on this constant teeter-totter between "letting go, letting God" and grasping at sanctification…or just ignoring God, at times. (Hopefully I don't do that as often as I think I do. Heh.)
"So when our world comes crashing down because we just can't, we blame the Lord, saying He failed us, He let us down, He didn't keep His word. When in reality, we never gave Him a chance." JUST YES.
Praise God that He is SO ridiculously patient with us. I mean, think about it. Our constant wishy-washiness (or at least mine), and yet He keeps gently tugging at our hearts, refusing to be satisfied with less than our best, but also refusing to let us tear ourselves down for our own human limits.
"We don't have to be the 'perfect Christian'; and always have our lives in control, or have daily devotions that speak to us and mean something, or always love going to church, we just have to be us." Sheesh, have you hit the nail on the head with this post or WHAT.
Thanks for this encouragement, it's so good to be reminded that others struggle with these things too <3
Amen indeed.
DeleteIt's so nice to find someone who understands! And I have the exact same problem; I ignore God until I need him...
YES! He is so gracious and patient: I can't really fathom or understand it.. But I'll accept it! :) And don't worry, your not the only one who has moments of wishy-washiness.. I assure you. :)
I'm glad it made sense, I was hopeing it would make sense, and wasn't to rambled. :)
Your so welcome, I'm thankful it was meaningful to you. :) Stay strong sister! :)
Thank you for this. I've actually been having something like this recently, so it helps to know that I'm not alone :)
ReplyDeleteYour so welcome!!
DeleteI totally understand! And know that you are not alone in the least. :)